Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
