Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
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