I need help removing her.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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