sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
