Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Randomize
