if i can run in heels then i can drive
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
