Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize