Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
