So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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