Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
