see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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