Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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