My room smells like vodka and shame
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize