my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
