when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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