i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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