I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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