I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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