If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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