Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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