He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
