Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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