Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
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