Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
