hotel room ftw
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
