Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I don't think brook has ever known best
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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