How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
