Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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