I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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