Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
