You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I wish there were birth control emojis
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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