Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
literally had 100 drinks last night.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
