sorry about calling you the devil all night.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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