We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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