I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
