The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Randomize
