where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
