i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
