I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
