It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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