You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
