i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
