I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
