You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
