I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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