"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
