True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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