Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
