Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
