I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
