Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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