I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
