I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
