Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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