So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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