were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize