Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
