I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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