dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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