I just pynch a tree in the face
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
