my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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