he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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