she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Your cock deserves a montage
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
