so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
